Note to Self :: Stop being bitchy when people ask innocent questions.

So your meeting has gotten horribly off track, and you want to stab everyone in the eye with your pen, but alas! you seem to have misplaced it. Where the shit did you put it? Your co-worker notices you fidgeting, and asks, “What are you looking for?” With all your might, try not to loudly respond with “The thread of this conversation.” You cannot save your self from that.

Especially when you realize the conversation is probably off track because you’re an asshole and are in the wrong conference room. You are not in the right meeting, you giant dick.

Note to Self :: Stop pretending you’re a hooker.

You’re walking down the street, minding your own business as usual, and you notice people staring at you. What the shit is that about? You look down and realize, oh, your jacket is completely covering your dress, and you look like maybe you could be a hooker, and you probably shouldn’t have chosen to wear platform heels today. What you should do is ignore it, and just go about your business instead of proceed to make the following bad decisions:
1) Do not start whispering hourly rates to people as they pass. Yes, the reactions are amusing and no one knows what to do, but you live in a city and inevitably one of those people will be a cop in street clothes.
2) Do not argue with the cop. He doesn’t know you’re kidding. You just solicited sex to him, and he will take you on a trip to the police station. Good luck explaining that you’re just being a giant wang.

So congratulations, you have to explain to your boss that you’re late for work because you were detained for fictitious sex solicitation. Good job, ass hole.

Note to Self :: Smiley politely, and maybe they’ll just go away.

Sometimes people you don’t like are going to talk to you. And sometimes those people aren’t going to pick up on the fact that you hate them. And if, in fact, they still don’t find your charming personality off putting, and choose to tell you things such as, “I took my kids to a carnival this weekend,” or, “I bought a cupcake for lunch and ate the whole thing,” just smile politely, and maybe they will go away. Try not to respond with – without missing a beat, mind you – “No one cares.” Its rude, and maybe someone, somewhere, does care, but it is now painfully obvious to everyone that you don’t, and you are the bitch who hates kids and cupcakes. And that’s not true.

You love cupcakes.

Note to Self: You’re PMSing, and it’s obnoxious.

An appropriate reflexive response to “You’re late” is never “So is my period.” It’s not appropriate in a meeting at work and for the love of God correct the situation before you’re inevitably late for dinner with your father tonight. It’s going to invite unwanted speculation like, “What, are you pregnant?” and you know you’re going to end up blurting something else out like, “Nope, pretty sure you have to be having sex to be pregnant.” Way to make it more awkward, you bitter old hag. Just learn to use other phrases, such as “Golly, I’m sorry, I sure did lose track of the time.”

Thats right – golly. It’s far too underused. Bring that shit back.

Note to Self: Put a shirt on.

Stop answering the door in your work out clothes.  And by work out clothes, I mean leggings and a sports bra.  By now, you know the mailman has just been making up excuses to knock on the door, which is both a little disturbing because it means he’s been creeping in your windows, and also means you should get curtains.  You know he’s just trying to get a better look at your boobs, which is sad for everyone involved, because quite frankly, they aren’t that great.  And yet, every week, like clockwork, knock, knock, knock on the door.

You know what you’re doing. Put a shirt on, you attention whore.

Note to Self: You are a liar.

You cannot keep telling everyone you have Tourette’s as a way to excuse your excessive cursing. First of all, you’re a liar. Secondly, you curse like a sailor by choice. Granted its because everyone is stupid, so technically its their fault when you curse them out, but you have a potty mouth nonetheless. Own it, or clean it up, you incorrigible ass hole.

Note to Self: Learn to use your indoor voice

You need to understand the difference between whispering and screaming, and maybe find a good balance between them. Try to land on something most people call an ‘indoor voice.’ Practice this, hone it, and adopt it as normal. If you can’t get the hang of it, defer to whispering. Because honestly, the entire gym does not need to know that you need to poop.

And if that’s unavoidable, don’t follow it up with, “What? Everybody poops. Read a book, people.” Have some shame woman.

Note to Self: Stop being a wuss.

So there are some people in this world that you would rather not talk to. Mostly because you hate them. We get it. Stop making it so obvious and ducking into the first door you see to get away from them. Sure, sometimes that may work and allow for a clean escape, but other times you’ll find yourself in a utility closet and will have to explain yourself to your office facilities manager. You’re being a baby. Remember you box as a hobby. You actually opt to get punched in the face. You should be able to handle difficult interactions. Man up.

Or at the very least, just know that you have the ability to swiftly punch people out.